Food for the day. Pretty decent. I’m having trouble getting my fitbit to synch with myfitnesspal. Everything says they’re synced but I can’t fit my “fitbit adjustment”.

Meditation is something I think I could really get on board with.  I have a lot of work to do but I do enjoy the way I feel after completing a mediation.  I have a really awful headache so it was particularly challenging tonight.  I started the inner smile meditation but had to stop to take motrin.  Whomp whomp.  The majority of my thoughts popping up where about pain. I was hoping to distract myself but I couldn’t finish.  But I am going to try to again tomorrow and I look forward to it.  

Okay I don’t exactly eat healthy but I stayed within my calories. And I also went hiking so I’m sure I burned calories. I went to ikea after hiking and was STARVING. I didn’t make great choices but I’m drinking lots of water to flush it out.

I haven’t been doing a good job which the 90 challenge but I’m here to play catch up today.  It’s been a busy week and I think I’m starting to get sick again, argh.  I haven’t been tracking my food because I’m not eating on plan.  

Day 2

-I don’t know exactly how much water I was drinking prior to the challenge BUT I’m confident that is was enough.  Atleast 75 oz daily

• I don’t think I need to strive to drink anymore water but I’m going to do a better job to track how much water I’m drinking
• I find that I drink MORE water when drinking out of a Camelbak botttles.  My bottle has 33oz so I’ll try to drink atleast 3 full bottles a day

Day 3

My BMR is 1963 calories. I’m going to try to keep my calories under 1450 a day and theoretically I should lose a pound a week if I don’t exercise at all.  I’m going to start wearing my fitbit so I can accurately track.   

I can’t honestly say how many calories I eat on a daily basis.  It varies dramatically because of binges.  

Day 4

This challenge hasn’t helped me so far but that is solely my fault.  I haven’t been tracking my food.  I only have myself to blame.  I’m hoping I can turn that around but I’m apprehensive and don’t trust myself.  

Day 5

-Do I plan meals?  Not regularly.  When I do plan, I typically succeed.  But sometimes I just don’t want to plan and I don’t want to eat healthy.  Does anyone else have these problems? I honestly feel like something is missing in me and I can’t lose weight because I can’t keep the motivation.  

-Do I prepare meals?  See above

-Do you take snacks/meals with you when away from home?  See above.  Sometimes I do when I want to.  BUT I have many days where I just don’t care. Don’t care about health, weight loss, or myself.  

If anyone read this to the end, do you ever feel this way?  Maybe I’m depressed.  I just don’t care about myself!  I have these small bursting moments of motivation and drive to lose weight.  BUT I don’t follow through.  My moments of motivation/drive are short lived and I’m quickly back (sometime within a few hours) to binging.  

This is what I have eaten so far today plus some almonds that aren’t pictured.  According to my fitness pal, I can still eat 872 calories.  I’m meeting up with friends for sushi tonight so I’ll probably come pretty close to 872 calories.  Tomorrow I’m going to start wearing my fitbit to work so I can track my steps.  

So today I’ll officially start tracking food and fluid intake.  I’d been doing medifast before this.  Medifast really does work but it’s so restrictive (900 -1000 calories/day) and I couldn’t follow it.  I’d be so restrictive that I’d end up binging.  But I have all this medifast food so I’m going to continue to eat the bars as snacks and supplement the rest of my calories with “real” food.  

I’m going to be tracking my food on myfitnesspal (user name: emster8434) and also taking pictures to post on tumblr.  

Determining rewards is actually difficult for me and here is why; if I want something I just go get it.  Example, I’m going to get a pedicure every week regardless of my weight.  And I’ll go see a movie once or a twice a week.  So it’s going to take some time for me but here is what I’ve come up with so far.  I’d love any help or suggestions!  

250- one hour massage

Goal weight 150- new wardrobe 

Ok I signed up for a challenge.  I’m hesitant but eager.  I watched victorialoses100.tumblr.com introductory video and I was pretty psyched.  She is just a normal girl and I can’t believe the success that she has had.  

I took my “before” pictures and cried.  I’m not ready to post them.  But I have them for when I’m ready to compare.  I’ll have to do measurements tomorrow because I don’t have a measuring tape.  My intial weight is 263.  

I’m doing this challenge because I need to change my life.  My current situation is sad.  This is not at all where I picture I’d be at 30 years old.  I’m a nurse.  My primary goal at work is to save lives.  But I act as though, I don’t give a fuck about my health. I do not take care of myself.  I do not care about my health.  But I REALLY want to change that, more than anything.  So here I am joining a challenge.  

I’ve stayed within my WW points for 4 days now.  YES!  I’m the type of fat person that gets fast food for home and more food for the ride home.  So normally I’d get a sub, chips, and a drink.  AND cookies that I’d eat on the way home.  I went to they gym after work.  And I was very hungry on the way home.   I stopped and got subway.  I was hungry, when I am hungry I usually panic.  It’s like subconsciously I think I’m going to starve to death if I don’t eat immediately. Tonight I only got a sub.  No cookies or chips.  And I didn’t eat anything in the car.  I ate my dinner and sugar free pudding.  I’m satisfied.  And I think I rock!  

Enough, I’m willing to take a step

I’m reading a great book.  It’s a handbook for change on a spiritual path.  The author listed qualities of people who tend to stay “stuck”.  There were 10 qualities and they all describe me to a T

1) A sense of helplessness or lack of entitlement at one’s core

2) Negative thinking *DING DING DING*

3)Keeping life chaotic

4)Inability to calm or soothe oneself in healthy ways **resorting to compulsive eating and addictions**

5) Difficulty connection with other people and a lack of a support system *I’m an isolator*

6)Looking to external sources for a sense of happiness or to feel worthwhile

7) Lack of an adequate concept of self-care and setting limits *Gee I wonder how to go to 260 pounds*

8)A sense of self that is identified with images, concepts, and beliefs

9) Repeating the same behavior and hoping the outcome will be different

10) Focusing on the overwhelming, how bad life is, and the terrible state of the world

I’m feeling good over here making some changes.  The first step to making changes is be aware of the roots of uneasiness or “being stuck”.